Failure with a slice of shame

Ah, the good old sense of failure. I've recently discovered this amazing sensation of failing the people closest to me. Wait... that's a lie, I've been failing myself and those around me since the day I was born. In fact I think in my life the only thing I accomplished since the day I was born, something I've actually set out to do is... lose weight. And I did that by finding out I was allergic to: wheat, soy, dairy, eggs, peanuts. Ha ha imagine not being able to eat ANYTHING you previously ate before. Can tend to slim a chap down. Since then, I've discovered equally as fattening things, as the ones I've given up, namely Bacon, rice cheese, sugar EVERYTHING; chocolate rice milk, sugar coated rice, maple syrup coated rice pancakes, and rice cheese and ketchup sandwiches (on rice bread) the list goes on. Needless to say I've gotten fat again.. weak sauce.

Also in the recent (days) I've discovered that I can scare away the one woman who has cared for me, well there have been two who have put up with my addictions, and I'm afraid I've scared away the last one who will ever put up with my addictions. I think this may be God telling me it's time to quit. But I still don't want to. I tried 30 days without weed, and I failed at that last night. So what do I have left? God, and an eviction notice. Super. All in God's plan right? Though I can't see where it's going.

Ha ha, sure I'm probably projecting my own feelings on others. But I don't know how to do anything else. FAIL.

Story of my life, though I have learned through most of my failures, I fail again to see how they are helping me usually it takes a couple of years to realize the folley of my ways. Super duper.

I'm stupid and unfortunate, sure I've lived a full life full of adventure, and seen things most people will never see, but I still feel empty.

So where does this leave me? I'm not sure, in the words of Clar Worely, "it's in God's hands, it's not my responsability", but how many people must I alienate in the process of God working in my life? Why must I be miserable in the face of learning?

That is all, everything else i feel like saying is failure.

FIN