Today was a tough day, being in the same room with monica all day long. are you serious?
So finally everything is over, all went to plan I suppose. The weekend went on without a hitch.
So everyone decided to pile into cars and head to red robin. WTF, guess who decideds to come. Monica. Yea, and they try to sit me right across from her. I think not, I mean. I just feel like everyone is being a little insensitive. Or perhaps I need to grow up a little bit. I'm not sure, is me not wanting to have a meal sitting across from my now engaged and living with her fiance after two months of us being ex. I just... I just don't understand.
I want to scream and cry, and get wasted and not even care. I can't though, I feel like everywhere I look down here it's monica. I'm sitting in the truck because I just couldn't sit in there with all of them is that weird? I mean am I just being a pussy and I should just go in there... I just can't do it, already this whole weekend has felt like it's slowly pulling the scab off a wound that has almost healed. Had almost healed.
Now everytime I lay eyes on here I don't know. It's a combination of feeling sick, and love sick (the bad kind) and just my head spins. I feel like everything is going in fast and slow motion at the same time. I mean everyone said they understood where I was coming from, and I know they do. I just don't think I should have to go in there and sit and pretend to be civil with a woman that caused me so much pain.
I did tell you she came and apologized. That was nice I suppose. I offered a hug, which was a bad idea. I'm a physical touch type of person, and so being close to her again like that was really hard.
I can't say that I was over monica before. I was slowly healing, out of site out of mind. That's how I used to and still have to play it. Doesn't count for dana anymore. or even jackie. Because they've been out of my sight and mind for so long that it hasn't been an issue. Being forced to see monica all this weekend has totally I feel brought me back to the begining of my healing again. I just don't like it. I know she was bad for me, is bad for me. I can accept that and I understand why, and that's also why I wouldn't get back together with her. I'm a drug addict, her previous boyfriend was a drug addict. I'm not sure what the deal is with this new guy she's getting married to butif they're engaged after only knowing each other for 2 months. something isn't right there.
I'm not sure why, but I want her to feel pain. I want her to want me again, so I can reject her. I want some semblence of retaliation. Though that never fulfills like you think it's going to.
I think I should just try and remember the facts: She is no good for me. It was an unhealthy relationship that was started under false pretenses. We were both unhealthy, un whole and looking to fill our loneliness with someone else. I wasn't happy in the relationship, I just don't like being alone. I mean I don't mind being alone, I don't how it feels when you are alone for a little while after you've broken up. and you're forced to see that person.
It's not even half hour after I wrote in you last. I had to stop because I was crying so much. I just bawled. I'm serious, I have not cried that hard in a long time. Sure I've cried, and sure I need to cry some more even, but after crying. I felt so so so much better. I still feel terrible. I mean, I just want someone to talk to who will listen to me. It's certainly not my parents right now. I really don't know who to call or who to talk to. I really wish I had someone that I could talk to. It's been my mom for so long that I haven't made any other deep connections because I haven't had to.
She just drove by in this traffic. Stab in the heart. I just can't wait for this weekend to be over. I want to go home and try to put this all behind me, I really wish that this foundations experience didn't have to be tainted with so much pain and confusion. I think I could have offered a lot more to the group. Been more pro-active and helpful. I wasn't.
I was doing my best to not let her have that kind of effect on me. I guess I cared about the idea of her more than I origionally anticipated. There will be others... like my dad always used to say, the best way to get over the last one is the next one. I guess I'm having a really hard time letting go. How do you deal with the fact that your family and friends are still in contact, and are friendly with your ex. I just don't understand nor do I like that. It's too soon. it's just too soon. I really wish I could be saying all this to my parents but I don't think they're able to at this time. They have their own processes to go through.
6 comments:
First of all, I had no idea you were dealing with this this weekend, so I hope I wasn't one of those insensitive people & if I was, now that I know I will do my best to be sensitive to this in the future. :)
Second, I applaud your honesty, vulnerability & courage in putting this out there. That is huge, IMO.
Third, I totally get the revenge thing. You're not weird. For me, revenge is a step up on the feeling scale because it feels better than the intense emotional pain &/or depression. So I struggle with that too. How about some batting?
And fourth, I'd be happy to hear you vent if you need that again. I'm usually on FB or you can email me if you want.
This is Alissa, BTW. :)
Hey Garrett, I don't know if you know me or not from FOUNDATIONS, but that doesn't matter.
What you wrote is awesome, vulnerable, and very real. You are not alone. You are OK. What you are feeling is completely normal and within accepted parameters for what you are going through.
It's called grief. It is very important that you acknowledge and express these feelings--in the healthiest way you can. Blogging is good. Asking for help is good. Talking to someone who has been there is also good.
If you are unfamiliar with the "Grief Process", I recommend you read up on it (http://www.hns.org/Portals/1/Stages%20of%20Grief.pdf, http://www.hospicenet.org/html/knowledge.html, http://www.memorialhospital.org/library/general/stress-the-3.html)
Alright, just so you know I am not going all "Green" on you, I have been there--many times. The most painful is with my Ex-wife. Not to discourage you, but we have been divorced for 12 years and I still feel those old feelings whenever I see her (last month, for example!). The good news is that they are nothing compared to what they were when it happened.
Time heals all wounds. Feel your feelings. Embrace the pain. If you bury it or ignore it, it will come back to haunt you later. Know, though, that the way to healing is THROUGH the pain, not around it.
If you want to message me, I am Gary Clendenon. Courage Friend. You will get through this!
Oh, BTW, an excellent book my counselor recommended to me, I recommend to you: http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-McWilliams/dp/0931580439
hey dude just i totally knew what you were dealing with this weekend and i am so sorry. i also want to let you know that i know you know i am obviously friends with monica, but i also am not a child. i know how to keep boundaries, with enough counseling i finally fucking learned. with that being said, i totally was feeling your heart from a distance, i am sorry i didn't not make it a bigger deal to talk to you and also i wasn't trying to push you in group at all, i just love your brain. i am a big believer in changeing your current um method of living when you have broken up meaning, going on a trip or even moving, just to be able to look at yourself in another setting. i have had many bad break ups, in fact one guy hurts me to this day by spreading really bad and evil lies about me in walla walla and thats a frickin small town. i also have most of the time felt very alone in life and it sucks bad!
this is what i do when lonely (punch my punch bag, go on a run, paint a pathetic picture and write a sad song, hang out with an awesome animal (most of the time that is john LOL). i love doing active stuff and going to museums and crap so if you want a busy buddy that would be rad.
well, i have rambled and i don't even know if you want me up in your business. so, until later i will say i care alot about your heart! loves.
Thank you all for your encouragement and support.
G.C. I read those articles, and though I knew some of it there was a lot I didn't know. I feel like it's giving me a map for how I'm going to get through all this mess.
D.w. Thanks so much for what you said, and I don't think you were being at all insensitive.
Sara, thank you for your kind words, and understanding. Don't worry you weren't pushing me too hard. I needed it to get me out of my martyr funk I was in. So thank you again.
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